This afternoon I have been fighting a War on Weeds. I found a dodgy dossier saying that the weeds in the flowerbed could overwhelm the lawn in 45 minutes, so I have invaded the shrubbery. My richer neighbour who has lots of garden equipment encouraged me to do this, offering to help. Unfortunately he has sprayed friendly weedkiller over my flowers, who have sustained casualties. I plan to withdraw from the flowerbed by 2012. After I withdraw I will be holding a public enquiry in a locked cupboard so that the public don't get to know what I have done.

When I had finished, I hadn't actually found any Weeds of Mass Destruction, but by then I had uprooted several plants and arrested all the garden gnomes left there by the previous owners. These have been shipped off to a special fenced-off part of my neighbour's garden where they have all been painted orange. Meanwhile, what to do with the weeds? Waterboarding having been deemed unacceptable I decided to ship them off somewhere else. Luckily Leeds City Council have given us all a special brown wheelie bin so we can practice Horticultural Rendition. I have proof that the council is complicit in all this, as I have seen their staff emptying wheelie bins full of weeds into council wagons and taking them away.

I tried to contact my MP about this but he was too busy supervising the weeding of his moat to get back to me.